...both mentally and physically......
It was always my intention to write a BLOG after my first 100mile... (I wrote one after my first 55mile) but I sat staring at my screen, my mind blank. I couldn't really work it out but I just felt a bit useless, I had just completed the biggest running challenge of my life so far, I had worked so hard - had a great time and even done well but felt as flat as a non rechargeable battery!
I decided then that, rather than write about step by step blog of the event, I would just talk to you about how I felt deep down.
My self and the routine that has been my life for the last 2 years is still on pause and I am missing it. My reliable, non judgemental best friend that is my training routine - I cannot wait for it to returns for our next adventure. I am sure as you read this you will think I have lost the plot (those that know me will know I never had a plot ha ha! ). .I haven't lost a person or my furry best friend, but it is important to see how a forced stop of routine can make people feel, whether it is through loss, injury, moving house. lock-down, retirement etc. .
My routine has been my consistency from day to day. It hasn't told me I am rubbish, too fast or too slow....it is happy to follow the plan scheduled and doesn't mind early mornings as it nudges me out of bed as the alarm goes. It doesn't message me to cancel or let me down or judge me if something isn't on Strava or Facebook or if I wear green tops, blue shorts and odd trail socks. As we head out together, it helps me put my day ahead into perspective and the reflect the day before. When Craig has been out on his adventures for weeks and months, or when we faced the pandemic, training has taken hold of my hand and said, hey I am still here - lets go see what we can do and I don't feel lonely. It has shown me mountains, deer, hares, owls and other nature and wildlife, outstanding scenery and had me breathe in the fresh air. It has taken me away from lamp lit streets and helped me find the courage to explore and given me the confidence to do things alone. .
I don't feel relieved the event or training is over, I actually don't feel like it has taken place, a blur in my mind, a distant memory like holidays usually are when you get back to work after a few days. I do have some fabulous memories that will stick with me forever. The absolutely stunning Northumberland scenery, I can't get enough of that coastline and smell. The absolute joy and grin it brought to see Vicky and Peter exercising in the distance and along the coastal route and skip it gave to my run step. The fabulous encouraging messages of support from people AND the fact that Craig could be a part of the adventure, providing me with a superb support team with Norman for nearly 23 hours. They both knew I wanted no pampering, no 'are you ok'.....or ....'you look tired'....just a point in the right direction and a little lecture about fuelling! lol!
I never once wished I wasn't there, not even when lost in a middle of a foggy boggy sheep field or when my left leg decided to go on strike. I did at the beginning wonder what I was starting, but once the race began there was no way I was going to be heading home until it was done. I had worked hard and wanted demonstrate what could be done with commitment, sacrifice and a big smile.
I had the pleasure to meet some fabulous runners from the 50 and 100km (I only saw one 100mile runner who I ran with at the start). I saw a badger run next to me on a dark lane, a barn owl swoop over me towards the end and curious eyes watch me from the edges of the forest which filled me with comfort more than fear. I was blown away, rained on, beamed on by the sun and hidden by the dark. I ran in front of dawn and the sunrise (it was behind me) and confronted many cow fields (Bev you would have been proud of me!)
I have been very grateful for everyones donations towards the event. Raising funds. for The Snappy Trust wasn't a difficult decision to make. The charity do amazing things for the children and young adults involved in the trust and I cannot wait to hear what new experiences and adventures they will plan due to your generosity. The miles felt even more rewarding because of this.
For the first few days after the event I enjoyed some quiet time. I was tired, my left calf was tight (the quad eased after a massage- thanks Jan - MyReset) and I was able to relax the guilt that I have felt these last few months. The guilt is self applied but I genuinely have felt bad for not having time for my relationship, for my friends, I have even turned down weekends away, Sunday lunches and made sure that holidays were running friendly (though all holidays are anyway aren't they???). I am sure though that people close understood what it meant to me as they did when I have trained for physique all those year ago.
The other side of this guilt is that I have enjoyed what I have been doing so much, another part of life found which seems to slot in with the Emma jigsaw puzzle. I don't want it to change. It has made me question my life, my career (I know that an office role will never be for me) and my future. For a few weeks I can allow it to subside and make up for time lost slowly re-introduce training and see what occurs. .
I don't think anyone takes into account how mentally drained you become after long events. You feel so exhausted afterwards. There is always a lot of talk and focus on the physical impact. I would describe how I feel as being in the peak of my cycle, a little anxious and quick to react, emotional (shouldn't watch Elvis on recovery!!) ....hungry and would love to just be left to sleep.
People only ask you how your legs are.....no-one says 'hey, how's your Central Nervous System holding up - has it recovered yet' (apart from the coach) so you almost go into denial that anything else could be affected after an event or even a long bout of training. The experience and knowledge makes me more conscious of my clients who are training for big events, making sure that they really take the recovery seriously ..... but they are comfortable with the process.
I often feel myself tense up when someone asks me how I am.....even in a message the response is just.... 'my legs are fine' (which they are)....as if it is a weakness to feel any effect of the race and lead up to it. This is probably more a self criticism of myself rather than made from others to me. I worry it makes me look weak, full of excuses to not do something ....I worry that it means there is something wrong with me, another flaw I can add to the list.....but I also worry I will be told to just do nothing for longer when I feel the buzz of my energy in my muscles ... the need to get out and run and jump and throw a bar in the air! lol! .
I have been asked a number of questions since the run so I thought I would briefly answer some before I give your eyes a rest!
Did I feel lonely being out all that time?
No, not at all.
There was a moment I think I walked through the woods occasionally closing my eyes for a nap ..... but no loneliness....I mean.... I had Tin the Bear with me (the bear on my backpack in photos below).
When I am out training, I actually feel the least lonely than in any situation and often being partially deaf I feel lonely in a lot of social situations. Most of my training has been on my own and my hearing prevents me from running with others because I feel rude not knowing what they are saying. It's a bit of a health hazard to try and watch someone to lip read when running! ha ha! Whether I am on my bike or on the trails I actually feel completely content and the hours just fly.
How were my feet?
I have been lucky in most of my races that I havent suffered from blisters.....I did bash my toes a few times but I have a routine in races and use the same blister and foot products for each race. Maybe it helps having very dry feet that would never make their way to your screens! ha ha
Would I do it again?
Most definitely.
I would like to work on some niggles and work on my fuelling and drinking which is stilll a weak area for me. There are so many to choose from, I would love to think I could do one in Scotland, a big multi-stage ANDI keep watching the events in America as well! lol! WHO KNOWS! I have missed my cycling so next year some shorter events and some cross training for now to recharge.
Am I happy with the result?
Ha, ha, ha! Well yes and no!
I never believed I would ever run 100 miles, even when I signed up I was like...oh heck! BUT the tattoo on my arm is there for a reason - how far can someone actually go if they take the risk???
I never thought I would finish First Lady and second overall but I did!! Last year I never believed I would have run 50 miles!
I am so chuffed that I did the event, I put a lot of work into training and the race itself. I can however also see so many things to improve and build on, thats all part of the challenge and learning though right?
If you have any more questions do feel free to ask. Until then guys, I am going to reflect a bit more and get refocussed for my next chapter
Here are some of my favourite memories in pictures...including one of my looking very tired when I actually got to sit down at the end.
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